One day, I was having a dinner with my friend in a popular restaurant. As we had no idea about the food, we looked around to see others. I heard from a couple who sat next to us that they liked the wine. Therefore, we ordered two cups of red wine too.
When our wines were delivered to us, I had dropped my wine scarcely. The man yelled upsettingly that why there was an insect in his dish. He asked the waiter who stood against the wall at our right hand side to go over there to explain what's going on.
The man complained impolitely about the food to the waiter. I saw the waiter trying to solve the problem by offering him another dish for him. But whatever the waiter had said, the man couldn't listen. The man shouted crazily to the waiter to give him an excuse. Meanwhile, the lady who might his girlfriend said to him that please controlled himself and it’s not a big deal just asked the waiter to cook another dish for him.
Even thought I agreed with her, I couldn't say anything. The man roared frenzied that how could it happens in his favorite restaurant and he had never had such a terrible situation in his live.
Finally, the waiter said to him that he couldn't tolerate his insulting talking. He threw his apron away to show his resentment. The lady told the man she had to leave since she shamed on him. When they all gone, I realized that my wine was disappeared too. I had paid 15 dollars for nothing but a free horrible live show
In 1st paragraph - You can't use two cups of wine; instead, you can say two glasses of wine.
ReplyDeleteIn 2nd paragraph -
You wrote - I dropped my wine scarcely. (This part is not clear.) Does that mean you nearly / almost dropped your wine after you had heard the man yelling?
Besides, you need to expand the part how the man discovered the fly in his dish to add more detail because it's the main theme of the story.
In 3rd paragraph -
You have repeated the pronoun him twice in one sentence. For instance, I saw the waiter trying to solve the problem by offering him another dish for him. (Delete for him at the end of the sentence.)
You wrote - But whatever the waiter had said, the man couldn't listen.
Revised - But whatever the waiter had said, the man didn't listened. OR
The man didn't listened whatever the waiter had said to him.
You wrote - The man shouted crazily to the waiter to give him an excuse.
Revised - The man shouted and demanded to know what excuse he had for him.
You wrote - Meanwhile, the lady who might his girlfriend said to him that please controlled himself and it's not a big deal just asked the waiter to cook another dish for him. (Remark- It has sentence fragments?)
Revised - Meanwhile, the lady who might be his girlfriend had told him to calm down. (You can't use "it's not a big deal" in an academic writing part, but you can use it in spoken term.) Then she suggested him to ask the waiter to prepare another dish for him.
In 4th paragraph - there is a spelling mistake. The correct spelling is even though (not even thought) Is it a typing error?
You wrote - The man roared frenzied that how could it happens in his favorite restaurant and he had never had such a terrible situation in his live.
Revised - The man exclaimed how could it happened in his favorite restaurant and he had never experienced such a terrible situation in his life.
In 5th paragraph -
You wrote - Finally, the waiter said to him that he couldn't tolerate his insulting talking.
Revised - Finally, the waiter told him that he can't tolerate his insults anymore.
You wrote - The lady told the man she had to leave since she shamed on him. (You can use shame on in a spoken term. For instance- Shame on you!)
Revised - The lady told him that she had to leave because she was ashamed of him / he embarrassed her. (You can either use ashamed of or ashamed to in writing and in a spoken term.)
You wrote - When they all gone. I realized that my wine was disappeared too. (This part is unclear.)
Revised - When they had all gone. I realized that my wine was disappeared too. (What do you mean by the disappearing act of your wine?)
Please note that I made a mistake to correct the 5th paragraph where you wrote - When they had all gone. Revised - When they were all gone. (The irregular form of be in the past tense is was / were, so you can say he / she is going in present tense and they were gone in past tense.)
ReplyDeleteIn 2nd paragraph you wrote, When our wines were delivered to us. Revised - When our wine was served to us....(I think wine is uncountable noun, so you should not put -s at the end. You can say two glasses of wine, but not two glasses of wines.(Since wine-glass is countable noun you can use plural form of glass.)May be I should consult Dr. Kim regarding the countable / uncountable nouns because I'm not sure either if I'm correct.
Ms.Tenzin you are so good to me.
ReplyDeleteThank you for collecting my mistakes. I'm please to have you as my partner.